REV PATTI SHAFFNER - CERTIFIED GRIEF EDUCATOR - GRIEF RITUAL TENDER - PEER TO PEER

FIND MY WRITING ON GRIEF AND RESOURCES: WISECRACKS GRIEF ADVOCACY PAGE & WISECRACKS ON SUBSTACK

What the Heck!?!

I know - I’m a musician.

Why all this about Grief on a musician’s website?

I’m also a widow. (it has taken me a long time to become comfortable with that word)

And - I found that grief support sucks. Not just in my locale - but in our over-culture.

In 2021 I studied with David Kessler to become a peer to peer Certified Grief Educator. In 2023 I attended a five month Grief Ritual Tender training with Francis Weller, PhD. I’ve studied with and learned from others as well: Dr Mia Hetényi and Mirabai Starr and countless books and a whole lotta writhing around in my grief to find solid ground where there had been none.

I consider myself a Grief Literacy Advocate and I think we don’t flounder as much when there is space and time for grieving together.

If you or someone you know is walking this rough road - send them my way - or share the Resource List below.

I do this because I believe we all deserve support for all the many griefs we meet in life - not because I’m in it for the money.

I hear the sorrow

I see the pain

I wish I had been able to find - in those early excruciating days - someone to listen and remind me that I was normal and that grief is not something to cure or fix or heal or get over - rather it is evidence of love.

Grief is Love - Our tears - they are Holy, Holy.

Calendar of Events:

November 8th:

Half Day Grief Retreat at Inspiration Wood

Click Link for details and to register

where to find patti’s writings on grief:

Substack: WISECRACKS

Facebook Blog: WISECRACKS - GRIEF LITERACY ADVOCATE

NOTE: New Affiliation with the Grief Support Center

To reach me regarding Grief Tending Please:

email at Jazzdakini@comcast.net

Please put ‘For Grieving Out Loud’ in the subject line

no - I do not charge for being an Advocate for Grief

I think that we should not have to worry about whether we can afford to get grief support when we are navigating rough waters.

That said, when I facilitate or co-facilitate groups, workshops and rituals, there is a fee involved - always aligning with what someone is able to pay and no one is ever turned away on that basis.

If someone feels moved to make a gift - I honor that desire.

“Grief has always been communal, always been shared and consequently has traditionally been regarded as a sacred process. Too often in modern times our grief becomes private, carrying an invisible mantle of shame forcing our sorrow underground, hidden from the eyes that would offer healing. We must restore the conversation we need to have concerning the place of grief in our lives. “
~ Frances Weller
“The Wild Edge Of Sorrow”

ONe Foot and then another

Moving in Grief is a 'one step at a time' experience.

Sometimes the steps are through mud and your shoe is sucked off your foot and you can barely move.

Other times...you take two steps forward and one step back. Progress is slow...but you are moving.

I have a song about that.

And still other times....it is a Cha Cha.

Of course there are the days when the most you can do is stand in one place.....willing yourself to stop breathing because you can no longer bear the pain.

I've been in all these places. Wishing the world would stop...because it did on 'that' day, for me. I think it probably did for you as well.

But the world keeps turning and no one else...except the few who know and love you best...can see that time stopped when your person's heart stopped. And now you can't move...

...because if you take a step you will fall into the void to go after them.

And then....

...and then....

one day you start to walk again.

Maybe at first a bit like a zombie....unseeing...numb.

Eventually you find that the steps are easier.

Because life does go on...

...because one day you find that you trust that the ground will meet you.

One day you notice that instead of your person being the 'first' thing you think of when you open your eyes in the morning.....they are the second.

I don't know yet, myself, whether they become the third or fourth.

But I do know that I don't do the Cha Cha as often.

I do know that I laugh genuinely more often.

I do know that I am beginning to feel lighter.

I do know that I can see more than one step in front of me now

...and it feels good to see a path unfolding...even if it is only a few steps.

I've learned to believe that there is still a "YES!" for me.

So if you're here....

Give yourself the Grace you would give to those you love best....

One step at a time.....no matter what direction the next step takes.

And know that there are those...and I am one...who will walk with you.

pattishaffner.bandcamp.com/track/dattsallottawatta

What If We Spoke About Grief Differently

WHAT IF, instead of saying…..

‘Time heals all wounds.”

WE SAID….

“Their love still lives in you.”

“Don’t cry. They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

WE SAID…

“Every tear is a thread that times them to you.”

“It’s time to move on.”

WE SAID…

“It’s okay to carry them with you forever.”

“You need to let go.”

WE SAID…

“Hold tight to the love that never ends.”

“Be strong.”

WE SAID…

“Your strength is in allowing yourself to feel.”

“They’re in a better place.”

WE SAID…

“They’re worth every tear.”

(Borrowed from: 3213KeepSakeLane on Instagram)

Because - grief does not need clichés. It needs compassion, witnessing, presence and community.

Walking in grief - the ‘what now?’

I have an app on my phone that counts my steps in a day.Of course it only counts steps IF I happen to have my phone on me.Also... it only counts steps that have been physically taken by moving my body.What is does NOT count...The steps I have taken in any given day to face my reality...The steps of making phone calls to address the business of death...The steps I have taken in meditation...The steps I have taken in watching emotions rise and fall and walking my mind and heart and body back to the moment....The steps I take in dreams...The steps I take into the past that my person and I shared...The steps I take into the future that is unfolding before me...The steps I have taken away from my center...The steps I take back to myself...More than the 8,000 or 10,000 that is said to maintain my health......More than anyone can count...More than anyone knows.... not even me....And I just keep walking....

Grief Resource List

The Smell Of Rain On Dust: On Grief and Praise - Martín Pretchel

The Wild Edge Of Sorrow - Francis Weller

After This (Continuing Connections) - Claire Bidwell Smith

Anxiety: The Missing Stage Of Grief - Claire Bidwell Smith

Conscious Grieving - Claire Bidwell Smith

Permission To Mourn - Tom Zuba

The Other Side Of Sadness - Bonanno

Awakening From Grief - John Welsh

The After Grief: Navigating The Long Arc of Loss - Hope Edelman

What’s Your Grief? - Haley & Williams

Cry, Heart, But Never Break (Children) - Glenn Ringtved

Walking Through Darkness (Shamanic) - Ingerman & Roberts

Die Wise (Terminal Illness) - Stephen Jenkinson

Briefly, Perfectly Human (Death Doula) - Alua Arthur

Finding Meaning - David Kessler

Earth Grief: The Journey Into and Through Ecological Loss - Stephen Harris Buhner

The Grief Recovery Handbook James & Friedman (Some useful info but personally not happy with the word ‘recovery’)

CPR For The Grieving Heart - Margaret Stoiber, RN

Help For The Hard Times - Earl Hipp

Demystifying Grief (Spousal loss) - Diane Kirby

The Grieving Brain - Mary Francis O’Connor

Invisible Loss - Christina Rasmussen

Loss (Poetry) - Donna Ashworth

The Big Wave - Pearl S Buck

Tear Soup (also one for kids) - Pat Schwiebert

Grief Workbook For Skeptics - Carol Fiore

Courage To Grieve - Judy Tatelbaum

When Grief & Loss Won’t Shut Up (Practical, Grounded, Actionable) - Dena M Derenale Betti

Links To Check Out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5mFBlybRUw - Jennifer Mathews (Grief Is Optional - an alternative perspective on grief that may not resonate with everyone)

Staci Sulin - Beautiful Ramblings (on FB and also a support group on FB)

https://www.sarahnannen.com - Sarah Nannen

https://helpingparentsheal.org - connections for parents and looking for continuing

https://allianceofhope.org - for those grieving a loss by suicide

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6h3JNOCTYc - Martín Prechtel talk (seek all three parts)

https://www.nfb.ca/film/griefwalker/ (documentary) - Stephen Jenkinson

https://www.grief.com - David Kessler

The Emerald Podcast: 'I Wish It Could Have Been Another Way’ : https://www.buzzsprout.com/317042/10876384-i-wish-it-could-have-been-another-way-a-lament-w-peia-luzzi - Joshua Schrei

https://www.refugeingrief.com - Megan DeVine (good in early grief)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/692942161086618 - Beautiful Ramblings: Much More Than A Grief Support Group

https://www.centerforloss.com/ - Allen Wolfeldt

https://www.missfoundation.org/sta - Finding Support Service

https://youtu.be/NtUqMwRXvhY?si=QzMjAVcFSvSacoN6 - Sobonfu Somé

https://www.dreamingawake.org - Dr. Mia Hetényi (spiral model for grief work)

https://www.wildheart.space - Mirabai Starr (Holy Lament - 12 Threshold model for grief work)

https://ndnr.com/mindbody/metabolizing-grief-a-physiologic-theory-of-emotional-digestion/ - Amy Chadwick, ND (Doctor of Naturopathic Medicine)

https://www.wordwoman.com - Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer (poet - loss of a child - poems about grief and grieving)

https://www.griefsupportcenter.com/grief-support-navigation-tool-professionals - Specific Loss Resource Tool

Keep in mind that this is the list of some of the resources that I personally have read and found, in some way, useful for me. There are SO many others: Joanne Cacciatori,Gary Sturgis, Joan Didion, Nora McInerny Purmort…..

Also keep in mind that while there are similarities….we each grieve in our own unique fashion and what might seem unreasonable to you might be the perfect way to meet the uncertain landscape of grief for someone else. The worst grief is YOURS. We do not compare in grief support. Additionally…..grief is NOT merely the death of someone or a beloved pet. Grief is as small as a treasured keepsake that is lost and as large as relationships and the ending of friendships….to jobs lost, homes…environmental concerns and lost species, climate change, political divisions and wars….a tree cut down to make room for concrete….an animal dead by the side of the road…..the devaluing of individuals or peoples for the benefit of corporate concerns. The parts of ourselves that we had to hide away to survive that never knew love. The way we must prove our worth to this western world culture. The grief of ancestral patterns played out in our own lives.

There are many ambiguous griefs. I’m sure you can add to the list.

Ultimately….I say again…from Martín Prechtel….Our Grief, our tears, are water for the Holy. We show gratitude for what we were given….how we valued someone or anything in this amazing animate world. By our grief we recognize the value of our lives and all that we experience and learn, thereby, to make beauty of our grief.

When people would ask me how I navigated the earliest parts of my grief around David’s death….I referred back to gratitude….for all that showed up to help me continue to trust that when I put my foot on the ground…it would hold me.

Please add to this list as you find those that give you a way to feel supported.

In Service to Life

~patti